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How to Not Have a Baby [Hitler] – Part 1

Just before we begin, just for the record, we wanna make it clear: we are all for babies being born and raised, nothing wrong with that. In-fact, we promote the idea of children. This article however, is intended for people who don’t.

And another thing, the reference to Hitler is just used in good humor, and not to offend anyone.

 License     Attribution Some rights reserved by canvascontent

Attribution Some rights reserved by canvascontent

Now, read on …

Seeing that my last post was to do with the testicles, I thought it would be beneficial to stay around that area and talk a bit about avoiding having a child. If that is your goal…

Ok. It’s the weekend, time to party, play games, get frisky, read a book, study…

Whatever it is, do your thing. At any point in these activities you might meet someone – your partner(s), wife, husband, lover, whatever, and decide that it was time to practice making a child.

The music is good, the lights are dim, he’s looking a lot sexier than usual with that calculator in his right hand, textbook in the other …

You shouldn’t actually have a child. YOU’RE NOT READY. Children need water, soil and sunlight. Most of us cannot provide any of those. Think about it this way.

Money: In ‘straya (Australia) it costs about $1,028, 093 to raise a child. That’s 1 kid. One parasite of joy, or a bundle of soiled napkins, or whatever it is you like to call them.

Point is, from an economic point of view, it’s a bit heavy on the pockets. From a global economic perspective, having a child is irresponsible.

We only give a fuck about a small percentage of the world. In 2005 World Bank estimated that there was about 1.31 billion people who earned more than $10 USD a day. That leaves about 5.15 Billion people fucked.

So really we only care about 20% of people. The other 80% we say we care about to get into Med/Law school, drop a few dollars into a jar, and then complain about our internet connection, or how they didn’t ask the right questions on that test or whatever.

The poverty line is at about $2.50 there are about 50% below it. So yeah.

We don’t have that much resource for those already here, and we only have a few more precious metals that we can put into our iPads or Smartphones.

Emotion: Think about the shit you have put your parents through. Even good children are nasty.

Think about that time you insisted that you had to have that ‘tamagotchi’ with the blue monster thing on it, totally disregarding your parents financial situation; the implications for buying a toy that was going to end up in the wash anyway were far beyond you.

Meanwhile, your parents were embarrassed when they tried to explain to their parents that you wanted a little overpriced Japanese key chain with a few moving pixels, and that you would feed it when it was hungry etc.

To which your grandfather shed a single tear full of ‘WTF’ liquid.

And that’s just childhood. What about when kids get into the drinking stage, or the sex stage, or the whatever the fuck it is stage.

Here’s a question: What does Hitler, Dahmer and Stalin have in common?

 License Hitler about to eat the French Cockerel.    Attribution Some rights reserved by Smabs Sputze

Hitler about to eat the French Cockerel. Attribution Some rights reserved by Smabs Sputze

Answer: They were all born.


So maybe I took that a bit too far.

To be continued… Next week, How not to have a baby! [Part 2]

By Harvey Dandy, Contributor at

The views in this article are that of the author.

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